Marissa's fabulous adventures in Paris and back in the States, too.

a broken promise

2012-02-12T12:29:00.000-08:00

PROMISES

many nights spent thinking about "what ifs"
what if this is the only time i'll have your kiss?

you cornered me, came close to me, told me you wanted to know me. the real me. what's inside me.
who that is: who am i? a question left unanswered
i pull you in for a kiss

crawled on top of your warm, harm body, and surrendered myself to you.
because i thought you were real and true

we spoke for hours and hours and hours
intoxicated with "whats ifs"
what if you could be the one for me and i passed you by
because of a mistake i made one night
i made you promise we wouldn't, we wouldn't, we can't, we must let the passion burn

small murmurs, slight caresses, teasing touches until i melt under you
you, on top of me, cupped my breasts in your hands
so small i felt
warm under your skin with you breathing heavy, breathing slightly, breathing
you insist
"i don't want to break my first promise to you"
you are sincere
you profess
you caress
you pretend to care
and i cannot go on
our clothes come off, with magnetic force like a tidal wave

in the morning you leave without a kiss goodbye, without emotion
i am left to think and to sulk and to melt away as i did in your arms with such sadness left to linger because i wanted this to be unlike any other, because i had expectations i denied in that morning light as your face became clear and us, sober, naked, us, strangers first having met in the sober morning light

borderline

2012-02-08T14:50:00.001-08:00

Since I was a young girl I always knew I was different and so my friends were different too. I cannot let you take that difference away from because it's what separates me from you. From you and from all the others who subscribe to hatred because you are unable to understand. This is why people have been and always will be persecuted. A mere inability to understand another somehow justifies fear for anything "other" and then spews hate? Religious people imposing their values on those who do not believe are not different than you and neither are those who condemn the legality of marijuana use because it too is "inherently wrong" since they cannot understand why it may be right.

happiest i could ever be

2012-01-24T12:41:00.000-08:00

The most beautiful thing I've ever seen, covered by gray shadows as the weather outside turns to Spring.

You must dig for an eternity until reaching it, sunken under moss-stained earth.

The happiest I could ever be is with you next to me but just like that, ever so fleeting, and faithless to me, you disappear into the moss-stained earth, haunting me.

chaos

2012-01-14T14:59:00.000-08:00

at a time when life should be coming together, it's falling apart. i am graduating from law school in may, jobless and feeling unaccomplished and unsuccesful in what i set out to attain. i failed an important test that will qualify me to take the bar exam. i just decided to sit for the NY bar instead of the CO bar. things should be more concrete now, but my life is like a cracking foundation for what could have been. i set out on this path with certain goals and a plan of how it would end up. my type A side took control and has pushed me through, but i've been bottled up for too long unable to break free from the routine.

i am unsatifised with my relationships unless they are crazy. i find a way to push everything sane and good out of my life, cutting those that i should keep in out. i find a way to put off the guys that like me by using defense mechaisms because i don't want anybody to actually like me for me, or see me for who i really am. i've got this wall up so high and i use jokes and insults to hurt those around me before i get hurt. nobody believes me that i am sensitive under it all, but i am one of the most sensitive people you could come across. everything hurts me...everybody's words and actions and the world around me the gray sky, with all these people like wind up toys walking around with their silly purposes to get high or get laid or get rich or be heard.

so, i just, i put on a smile -- pretend not to care -- and laugh most days. i've got this bullshit bubbly persona to cover up the pain below the superficial surface. i have been told again and again to control my emotions and i have done so to the point of numbness and not feeling for people who i should feel for. i'm not sure if i am incapable of love or just deathly afraid of it, but i don't let myself feel real feelings anymore. everybody around me, especially the men in and out of my life, just see the outside. i don't allow them to know that i actually care for them until it's too late and they've gone away. i've ruined so many chances this way with perfectly good guys who actually liked me. i've pushed them far away, so far that they don't come back not even with the prospect of sex.

carlos hurts me so much... so deep... the pain grows more and more. he makes me feel like shit. ugly fat awful. like im a horrible person not worth being around... like i have no purpose besides sex. im not sure why i take this shit from him. i could go out and have 1 night stands.. it's hopeless...

thanks for teaching me about Tteokbokki

2012-01-08T14:24:00.000-08:00

you came in and out of my life very rapidly, mostly physical like a tidal wave

on and off hot passion burnt like tteokbokki,

thank you for going and leaving me with knowledge i did not have before...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tteokbokki

nerdy lawyer who talks dirty

2012-01-08T09:55:00.000-08:00

i met this nerdy lawyer at people's republick in cambridge. he was smooth talking and sassy but his kisses were weak and tasteless. bearded with a plaid shirt on, he tried too hard. went back to his place around 3 am to find myself in a bed of paisley, and an obama poster hanging on the wall staring at me. i felt uncomfortable. there was nothing there i knew it just wasn't meant to be. went along with it anyway. too drunk to get it up. but apparently not too drunk to come in 1 minute flat. left early in the morning without a kiss or hug goodbye.

nose job japs

2012-01-05T21:30:00.000-08:00

went on a date tonight with a guy and his entire family looks like a whole bunch of nose job nip tucked japs.... can't deal with that. how do you prejudice a man based on the photos up on facebook? it's not fair but i can't help it.

perfect on paper

2011-12-28T16:12:00.000-08:00

So, Randy and I split. It had been long overdue. I was no longer passionate about the relationship and the distance killed any chance that the passion had to reignite. I met him 3 years ago, before law school, before reaching my mid-twenties, we were not the same people that we are today. I had different expectations when I met him than I do now. It's sad to say, but he doesn't fulfill my requirements anymore. He does not excite me intellectually or physically, both of which I need in a relationship otherwise I will become bored and stray.

It is over for good. I had plane tickets to go out to Colorado, to go spend part of my winter break with him. I got a credit from the airline.

These past few months, I met some interesting and attractive men. I like lots of them. I fall in lust so easily. Two had me really feeling for them. One guy basically knew about my situation, went along with it anyway, and then told me we "couldn't" do this because he didn't know "how to act" and wasn't "comfortable". He stopped speaking to me and totally cut me off. He was 30, a financial analyst, Taiwanese, and had the most beautiful body I've seen naked in my bed. He was a Scorpio. Didn't speak much, but when he said something it was smart and meaningful. He was intense. That intensity was so attractive and the mystery kept it going for days. Making out with him in the rain, up against all sorts of walls that night, our first night together, was such a rush. I was high on him for a week straight.

Saw Randy and officially made the break the day before XMAS. We both agreed that it was time.

On 12/27 I met up with a beautiful, funny, sophisticated, and ambitious man. His dad's from PR and his mom is Jewish. He definitely was blessed with the Latin looks. We met for hookah. It was around 7:30pm in the pouring rain. I walked in and saw him sitting there, he looked too good to be true. His face was like something out of a dream, the type of face I would paint in my head as perfection. His shoulders were broad and safe. His smile was endearing. And he seemed genuine. We sat for hours smoking and talking and drinking. Discovered we had enough in common and he seemed perfectly pleasant. When he went up to use the bathroom, a few guys sitting next to us told me he seemed like a really nice guy. We stayed at this hookah joint for a few hours and then made our way to a bar across the street. At this point, I was definitely feeling him. At the bar, he bought me a beer (Belgian wheat) and we had more fun talking and laughing. He kept complimenting me and trying to get close to me, holding my hand, telling me how friendly I am and awesome. I didn't touch him back really. He said he couldn't tell whether I was "into" him and at that point I kissed him. A hard, passionate kiss, not a peck. There were several of those. We got in a cab back to his place and there was more kissing followed by more passion followed by grinding and then sex. Sex three times. He also had a snake that we played with.

His body, oh my. Lately, I've been blessed by great bodies. He had these amazing broad shoulders and arms that could cradle anybody securely. Muscular arms like guns. And his chest was so firm and comfortable, especially with his black chest hair. It was soft and turned me on. His chest shielded me from the morning sunlight. His arms held me away from the world. And his shoulders, one tattooed with a star of David, made me feel so small yet safe. His lips and kiss had me wanting more and more and more. His voice was like Marlon Brando's, a sexy NYC boy's voice.

I don't know what will happen with him and if I will ever see him again... the morning was not as desirable as the night we spent. It was not what I had expected and he seemed cold toward the end of the time we spent together. That being said, we were both running on just a few hours of sleep and somewhat hungover, so I wasn't on my game either. I was kind of grumpy, anxious, and quiet.

At night, I remember him telling me how he loved how honest I was, and how he wanted to see me again, and lick my pussy once I was off my period, and how I wasn't like a typical Jewish girl, and how he loved my laugh, and how pretty I was. I remember all of those things.

Then, I remember him giving me a half-ass peck goodbye in the afternoon as he dropped me off at the subway, saying he wasn't sure that his schedule would allow us to see each other again... He didn't even have to say that since the expression on his face, as we parted ways, said it all. He did not want to see me again and I was a one night fling for the man who was perfect on paper on the afternoon of the 3 year anniversary of me and Randy :12/28.

it's been a while...

2011-12-02T09:30:00.000-08:00

everything i love is lost.

in the morning, i woke up to your smile and embrace.

it felt good. it felt new. new always feels good, but can it last? can we pull this off?

we met one night, both slightly drunk, to fall into a deep, dark hole of sexual dysfunction

making out on street corners, against walls, in the pouring rain, as it turns into sweat dripping down my face from your chin.

it was passion in its purest form

will we have it again?

my boyfriend - he's away. he doesn't know that the love we had turned into darkness when everything i loved faded away. i need that constant excitement the blood flow straight to the head. the drugs. heart racing in anticipation of what comes next. your place or mine?

Birthdays

2010-07-02T08:12:00.000-07:00

Last night was my 24th birthday. I had a good time. I went with a bunch of friends out to Sunset Grill & Tap. Dorian's birthday was also yesterday, so we did a joint party. It was me & Dorian (birthday girl and boy); Dorian's girlfriend Kristina; Monique; Halorin; Sam; Nikolette and her boyfriend Willie; Joel; and Alison.

After dinner and drinks, we smoked hookah. That was fun. I hadn't smoked hookah in a long time. I felt a nice, silly buzz.

My roommate Laura bought me really nice earrings and a candle, which she knew I liked. Sam bought me salon conditioner. I got a few beers and a card. Alison got me a Ghostbusters key holder (LOL).

Whiskey the Cat

2010-04-25T08:34:00.000-07:00

To make 2010 even worse, now my cat is gone too, along with my grandpa.

I hope they are in heaven together.

Whiskey Daniel Penn (aka "the Cat"; "the Colonel"; "Whiskey Senior")
June 1st, 1994 - April 24th, 2010

He was the best cat in the world. He followed me and my sister to school when we were kids. He brought dead animals to our doorstep, always a lovely surprise. He liked to sleep with me, all snuggled up in a ball. He would jump up onto my bed and lick my face. He loved hanging out in the shower after somebody got out, but he hated to get wet. He loved to have his belly scratched and the bottom of his chin pet. When we would leave to go on vacation, he would sulk. He wouldn't want us to go away. Then, when we would return, he'd be upset for days (crying and howling). He missed us. We were his family and he was ours. We loved Whiskey as much as he loved us and we will miss you.

out of control...

2010-04-09T13:34:00.000-07:00

so many things are going wrong...
- school
- my relationship
- my parent's relationship
- my grandma's health

it's been a really difficult few months... i lost my grandpa about 2 months ago. it feels like it was just yesterday when i was sitting in my grandparent's house, at their kitchen table, drinking a soda, chatting away. he drew me a picture the last day i was with him, when he was alive and well... it was the Sunday before i had to head back up to school for my second semester of 1-L year... January 2nd was the day. i miss him.

my parent's got separated around Thanksgiving of last year. they are not back together and it doesn't seem like they will be either.

now, my relationship is failing... i screwed a few things up. i took an amazing boyfriend for granted, and basically threw it away on a whim... just like that. there is still hope, but it's tainted.

school is overwhelming. i am not doing well on my quizzes and i am worried about final exams...

life is out of control.

Grandpa Beep Beep

2010-04-09T13:19:00.000-07:00

Aaron Sukenik
March 3, 1926 - February 17, 2010

You are my Grandpa "Beep, Beep".

My mother's father.

The head of our
gang.

You and grandma laid down the foundation for the future.

Without you, there would be no me.

Without you, my life would not be
the same.

You were always so proud of all of us.

Even if it was a small accomplishment, you made it feel big.

You put family first and taught us to do the same.

But, now, without you here, part of the foundation has crumpled.

We will be strong because I know that's what you want.

I hope you are up in the clouds, riding on a carousel.

With glorious, wooden horses and majestic lions painted with all different designs.

I hope you are listening to Frank Sinatra or maybe Motzart.

I know there is music playing where you are.

And I am sure that the honeydew and cantaloupe are the sweetest you've ever had.

You're probably driving around in a brand new Cadillac.

You might have a dog in the back seat.

But you won't need to cover it in newspaper because of our dirty feet.

There's an unlimited supply of pistachios and crackerjacks, with the best prizes.

And there's a coca cola fountain overflowing.

Mo, Larry, and Curly are there making you laugh.

And I'm sure you'll never get bored...

There are plenty of things to fix because even heaven has its' flaws.

I am sure it will be all fixed up because now you're there.

You will always be my Grandpa Beep Beep

Even though you are no longer here you remain in my heart forever

And I miss you

Grandpa, I wish this was all a dream.

2010-02-06T12:35:00.000-08:00

My grandfather had a stroke about two weeks ago. We have all tried to remain optimistic, but it does not look good. He is basically on life support, but his Will says that he doesn't want to be. The doctors want to perform surgery to prolong his life, but his life will never be the same. My mom, and my aunts want to take him off the machines, and let him go naturally. It's really upsetting.

I've never lost somebody that I loved before. I lost my other grandfather when I was about 15, and I didn't understand the impact as well as I do now. My grandpa Mike, my father's father, was sick for a long time prior to his passing. Thus, I never really got to know him the way i knew and saw my grandpa Aaron.

I had a friend pass away when I was a sophomore in college. I have known people. Nothing like this, though. He hasn't passed away yet, but I know that is what's probably going to happen.

I feel like my family is falling apart. I feel like my life is falling apart.

I will miss him a lot. I already miss him.

the seven deadly sins

2009-11-25T09:35:00.000-08:00

you're still my best friend, but there comes a time when things should end.

if we keep dragging along, will it hurt?

i don't want it to hurt.

i know when it's time to split, but i wish there was some way things could go back to the way they used to be: when life was simple... it was just you and me.

i don't even know him the way i know you, but he inspires me in a way that you never will.

i want to eat the forbidden fruit... commit each of the seven deadly sins.

i know it's wrong, but you're not right.

grrrrr.

2009-11-13T14:08:00.000-08:00

when restaurants, cab drivers, and the like say they ONLY take cash it really annoys me. it's 2009 - almost 2010 - wake up and smell the coffee, i mean credit card.

a really bad night/morning

2009-11-07T19:11:00.001-08:00

i got back to my apartment last night at around 3 am... spent the night dancing at the Alchemist lounge... i realized when i got back to my apartment that something was missing.......: my credit card. i forgot to close out my tab, and i forgot to pay, and forgot to take my credit card home with me!!! oh, alcohol. or maybe we can attribute this to law school--aka legal insanity, coupled with mental exhaustion. either way... i felt really stupid.

to make matters worse, at 7am this morning, i somehow managed to fall out of bed on my face, breaking open my lower lip. i got an ice pack and the cut healed in no time because it was inside my mouth. my lower lip is still a bit swollen, but could have been worse.

on top of everything else, i sent out a bunch of incriminating text messages, a whole lot of illogical banter, i don't even want to encounter those who received my garble.

i did get my credit card back, so at least that it good :) but i was terribly embarrassed showing my face there.

distance setting in

2009-11-06T23:31:00.000-08:00

if i love him fully, then why do i let my heart wander?

i don't want to betray him, but i can't help my desires.

Mandibular Tori...

2009-07-15T07:26:00.000-07:00

I did not know that I had this condition, but my dentist confirmed yesterday that I do.

"Torus mandibularis (pl. mandibular tori) is a bony growth in the mandible along the surface nearest to the tongue." More or less, it's an extra bone. It is not harmful, unless it grows very large and interferes with speech or movement.

I also didn't know I was an Asian male...

"Mandibular tori are more common in Asian and Inuit populations, and slightly more common in males. "

"You asked how common these "exostoses" or "tori" are in the population. That depends upon the population, of course, but I can say that exostoses occur in approximately 25 out of a thousand people. Interestingly, the population with the highest frequency ospersons of Asian descent, especially Koreans! This is interesting information for those persons interested in Forensic Anthropology or Forensic Odontology."

Why doesn't my boyfriend have this!?! He's a half-Asian male. I am a Jewish female. What the heck!?!

fake friends v. real friends

2009-07-13T09:17:00.000-07:00

i have always know the difference... but i didn't realize that i had been fooled by some fake friends into thinking they were real friends.

i have friends in my life that i call up if i want to go out and have fun. (let's call these the "fake friends")

i also have friends that i can rely on. (let's call this group the "real friends")

i have significantly more of the former than the latter.

in regards to the fake friends, i usually just let them drift in and out of my life. generally, i keep in touch with my real friends.

it's hard to cut people off, and i don't like doing so, but sometimes depending on the severity of the offense, i find that i have to.
recently, i had to cut off a friend. i had mistaken her for a real friend, but she proved to be a fake friend. she said nasty things behind my back due to an excessive amount of envy and jealousy. she was a selfish user that thought everything revolved around her. on top of this, she was also cheap and deceptive, and constantly executed bad judgment by acting without thinking about how her actions would affect others.

i realize lately that i can only count on a few people in my life: my family, my boyfriend, and maybe 5 friends. that is all. and i wouldn't trade these people for anything in the world.

23rd birthday

2009-07-01T12:57:00.000-07:00

i am twenty-three today.

i don't feel different than i felt yesterday when i was twenty-two.

with each passing year, my birthday matters less and less.

tonight i will eat dinner at Morimoto, a fancy Japanese restaurant in Manhattan's meatpacking district. it's owned by chef Masaharu Morimoto, made famous on Food network's "Iron Chef".

this weekend is 4th of July weekend - i don't really have plans, that's ok :) i am looking forward to relaxing, and i hope the weather will permit time outdoors. Randy is supposed to teach me how to ride a bike -- finally! i do not know any other 23yr old's that cannot ride a 2 wheeler... pathetic I am...

i would also like to see Mr.Johnny Depp's newest film, "Public Enemies", which incidentally hit theaters today-the day of my birth! we are meant to be, it's a sign from God, Johnny & I, forever.

in other news, i have found a place to live in Boston. it's awesome-right in the heart of Brookline, Beacon street in Coolidge Corner! and right across from a T stop. it's a 4-bed-apt, which i will be sharing with 3 other 1L students @ New England School of Law. all females. i am sure it will work out because all of us have the same needs, and i presume we will all be studying pretty hard and keeping out of one another's space. additionally, we are all 23+ yrs old --- it should be a lot easier than undergrad because of this maturity level... i really don't want to be anyone's mommy or deal with drama... but i'm not too worried. and i feel much better now that i've secured housing for this year!!!

it feels sooooooo goooood

2009-06-14T18:12:00.000-07:00

i thought i had been in love before, but i was wrong. lust is not = to love. lust is when you obsess over somebody for a short period of time before you realize you're incompatible. love, ah, love is different. love = the more you know about somebody, the more you like them. that's the case with my boyfriend. all of his imperfections = perfection to me. we get along so well. when we fight, it's usually silly, little fights that are more or less jokes. he is the first person i have dated who i feel i am truly compatible with. we usually agree on everything. it's really great to have a counterpart, my Siamese twin. and what makes it better, is we both care for each other deeply, and strive to make one another happy. we respect each other and we have so much fun together. i feel amazing when he's around me, just his touch, his laugh, talking, walking, eating, playing video games, watching movies, cuddling, play fighting, piggyback rides, driving around, doing anything and everything, it's all unbelievable. "it's the boring things i enjoy most." (Pixar's UP reference) i love him so much and i feel so lucky to have him in my life. i've waited, waded through the muck, until i finally found my prince.

it was my boyfriend's birthday...

2009-06-02T06:32:00.000-07:00

i want to give you the world
because that's what you've given me...

Ave Q on Broadway
Baked him a brownie cake
Halfway crafted a masterpiece, (a drawing of us) ... still need to finish that!
Bought him a card, heartfelt words enclosed
Organized misc. events with friends!

by far the most i have done for anybody's birthday... ever... he's so worth it.

unconditional love

2009-05-26T15:32:00.000-07:00

that's you and me
hold my hand as i fall
onto your lap, resting my head
your fingertips caress my hair
your lips plant plentiful kisses on my forehead

you know i don't want to go
i wish you'd come with me
follow me on my way
but i know that can't be
i must take the journey alone

you saved me
you stole me
you won me
you have me entirely

i am sure we'll make it through
because nothing matters but our unconditional love
that's you and me

unsure

2009-05-06T10:16:00.000-07:00

this fall is a mystery.
i don't know where i'll be.
boston - maybe
vermont - could be
new york - perhaps
remains to be seen.

i don't want to lose you, but i don't want to lose me.

irrational

2009-04-06T17:47:00.000-07:00

often, i am irrational.

i think stupid things. i say stupid things. i do stupid things.

i let my emotions get the best of me and that brings out the worst in me.

anxiety

2009-03-30T19:04:00.000-07:00

i have so many fears and worries...

i feel incredibly lost, like never before.

i am done with college. i have a degree. and somehow i still feel worthless, like i don't.

i can't seem to find a "good" job... i have not been accepted to grad school yet, which is worrying me like no other. and i feel like shiiiitttt... just terrible.

my healthiest relationship

2009-03-12T10:59:00.000-07:00

all relationships are crazy. that's because love is crazy. but there is normal crazy and then there's crazy crazy. i strive for normal crazy.

i have had a few relationships in the past, and for the most part, they have all been the bad kind of crazy : crazy crazy.

my high school relationship was completely unhealthy, emotionally abusive, controlling, and terrible.

my early college relationship started off really amazing, but had inherent flaws from the get-go. (that's what happens as a result of starting one relationship while you are somewhat involved in another) we were so smitten by one another before we really got to know each other fully, and then realized we weren't compatible, yet we drew it out because of the feelings we once had. additionally, it was also a controlling, emotionally abusive relationship. one in which we depended on each other entirely too much. it's easy to make that mistake when you become attached.

my late college relationship was equally unhealthy. there wasn't as much emotional abuse, control, or dependency issues... but there was deceit. and ambiguity that proved to be too much for me to take. we never had a title... always kind of "friends" but weren't. and i always wanted more; he never did. yet sometimes he would pretend to want more, or tell me things he shouldn't have, which led me on. we would always come so close to being an official item and then he would back away. it was a game to him: my emotions were a game. and he toyed with them like no other.

i am happy to say that now, however, i am in a healthy relationship. he's the greatest boyfriend. he's an all around amazing guy. he is easygoing and fun. he is reliable. hardworking. we like a lot of the same things and have a lot in common, but enough differences. he's like the yin to my yang. we are intelligent in completely different ways, which i have come to really appreciate because i feel like we can work as a team and balance each other out, even help one another learn new things. he goes out of his way for me. does things for me that he probably shouldn't. makes me laugh and smile. never tries to control me or tell me what to do. and we have TRUST. this is a first..... we have a stable, normal, loving relationship... and it feels so good. we still play our mind games, but that keeps thing interesting. we do try to make each other jealous over silly stuff. and we do get into little fights. but all in all, this couldn't be any better...

hate not equal to hurt

2009-02-19T07:38:00.000-08:00

my x bf left me. i was in love with him. he left me because of "distance". ny to boston kind of "distance". but i know that's not the truth. now, he's with a 19 year old. and he treats her better than he ever treated me. because he loves her. what does she have that i didn't? a girl of 19. i try my hardest to hate him. but i don't. i am hurt by him.

valentine's day has a habit of sucking no matter what

2009-02-12T11:12:00.000-08:00

i have never had a good valentine's day. i thought this year i would have my first memorable, adult-like VDAY with somebody i care for, but it's a bust. we had great plans, but the boyfriend has a fever :( i can't be mad at him, but i am upset that our weekend plans are ruined. we were supposed to go up to the berkshires, stay up there at my parent's house to ski and go to a nice dinner, watch movies, cook Indian food together, go on a hike, and i was so looking forward to getting to spend some quality time, just with him, and make this my first amazing valentine's day... but not all goes according to plan.... = /

previous years:
2008 - went out to dinner with a few girlfriends. wasn't seeing anybody.
2007 - was taken out to dinner by a guy i wasn't into, but had a sleepover with a guy i was crazy about (who later proved to be a fatal attraction)
2006 - went out to dinner with girlfriends. was on a "break" with my boyfriend at the time... but he bought me chocolate roses, and an authentic 1967 Mao Zedong Red Book + made me a really cute little card. i don't remember what i bought him, but i did paint him something that took me a while... i worked really hard.
2005 - was dating somebody i never should have dated, it was uneventful besides the fact that he bought me a teddy bear that made noises.
2004 - i didn't do anything... i barely remember. probably went out with a girlfriend.
2003 - high school boyfriend and i got into a huge fight... but he did get me roses, a teddy bear, and chocolates.
2002 - don't remember ... did something with h.s. bf. bought him cologne. Armani Aqua Di Gio
2001 - was really into this boy, one of my first crushes, and i bought him "Gucci Rush", which smelled amazing... but he broke up with me before VDAY. this should have taught me not to buy boys nice presents!

beyond this, i don't remember.... WHY ARE TEDDY BEARS, FLOWERS (NAMELY ROSES), AND CHOCOLATES THE DEFAULT GIFT !?! hahaha!

what is love? oh baby, don't hurt me. don't hurt me no more.

2009-01-26T09:13:00.000-08:00

my definition of love : undefinable.

i used to say that love is when you can share a toothbrush with another person...

i confuse love & lust. lust is the initial feelings you get about somebody when you first meet them, and love is what comes after lust (i think, anyway).

love is when your lover is your best friend, and more than anything in the world, you want to share it all with them...

but again, i really don't know.

digging myself deeper in the hole...

2009-01-18T09:17:00.000-08:00

i specialize in unrequited love.

no longer there

2009-01-12T15:50:00.000-08:00

the most beautiful man
with the most beautiful hair
is no longer there

we are so drawn to beauty
but what's on the inside matters so much more
sadly, you can only get there once you pass through the outside

the man with the most beautiful hair i've ever seen or smelled has gone completely bald, lost it all
some disease has stolen those beautiful eyebrows
that shaggy, stylish mane will never be touched or smelled again
oh i remember i smelled my pillow for days
just to get a faint whiff of that hair
how i longed to touch that hair that's no longer there

how i longed to touch that hair that's no longer there

but i didn't long for the soul of the man that was no longer there, just the hair.

emotions

2009-01-07T06:06:00.000-08:00

mine are often deep, yet always fleetingly fickle. one moment i feel so in love, and the next i wonder if i have feelings at all. i don't understand how to tame them. if only i could remain more balanced and grounded... instead of bouncing back and forth between extremes. i wish i could attain a happy medium and stick with it. i think balance is necessary for a successful relationship... otherwise, it's a melodrama.

another fabulous find...

2008-12-12T09:01:00.000-08:00

so, it's true, i might be a little beauty product obsessed... and my blog that was initially started as a mandatory study abroad venture has now become a conglomeration of random things - that's ok! i shall continue with my latest rave review :

now, everybody loves a cheap deal - usually with beauty products, however, more often than not it really is true that if you pay more the better the product. that is not to say that one must exclusively buy Chanel to be satisfied - but makeup lines like MAC, for example, or most lines carried in Sephora are generally a step above the drugstore brands... but it's AWESOME when you find a fabulous drugstore product! ...

MAYBELLINE'S "COLOSSAL VOLUM' EXPRESS WASHABLE MASCARA" is such a product.

i am very picky about mascara, in part because i know my stuff - and know what i like - but also because i have sensitive eyes. additionally, mascara is just one of those products that's more difficult than others to do right. it's not always easy to apply and everybody's got different wants, needs, and mascara preferences. but - this mascara is truly incredible ! it really does create great depth and volume. the color is very black - perfect. doesn't get all over the place. and lasts! i LOVE it! it's just as good, if not better than any fancy mascara i have tried. my past favorites have been Dior Show, Benefit Bad Gal Lash, and Mac's Plush Lash, but I would say this stuff is just as good as any of the aforementioned :) !!! <3 <3 <3

my favorite new beauty find

2008-12-09T09:16:00.000-08:00

MAKEUP FOREVER'S AQUA EYES - waterproof eyeliner pencil is THE BEST ! $ 16 at Sephora.

eyeliner is essential to my being. often i go without other makeup, but rarely without eyeliner. always always. it gives definition to the eyes, creates drama, can be used in so many ways, whether pencil or liquid, worn smudged - blended - or precisely penciled on, thin. it can be used on the lower lid, upper lid, inside the lower lid. you can use hot bright colors, or just stick to sexy classic black, or you can even use more than one color - or blend colors together. you can create smoky eyes, cat eyes, the effect of fuller eyes, or smaller eyes, all with just one product, endless possibilities: EYELINER <3

personally, i prefer pencil to liquid and i like the smoky look, especially for going out at night. i'll use tons of black eyeliner, (sometimes other colors but usually black), smudge and blend with eyeshadow to create a really sexy look. really defined, radiant eyes.

here's the problem that i have encountered though, with eyeliners other than AQUA EYES ... the eyeliner runs! :( if you sweat, it runs. not good for when you're in a hot club dancing all night, or walking around all day. if your eyes tear, it runs. eyeliner just tends to get smudged really easily, in a bad way. but this stuff is different! it really does stay in place! it will even stay in place until the day after the initial application!!! it's wonderful. it's slightly creamy, and really easy to use. and comes in all sorts of amazing colors. it smudges and blends superbly but once it drys it stays put! (unlike sooo many other eyeliners i have tried)

birthday surprise

2008-12-02T08:24:00.000-08:00

I see you walking towards me. Coming off that bus with your white v-neck t-shirt on, and that same old pair of beat up jeans. That white, so white, it highlights your sun-kissed skin. It's a hot hot day, June 31st, tomorrow's my birthday, it should be even hotter. You boarded the bus in Boston, awaited hours before reaching your final destination NYC. The sweat drips off your brow, so masculine, so sharp. What a beautifully sculpted face, with a movie star pout, and a chiseled chin. How I missed this face. I feel nervous. I look at you with new eyes after not having seen you for months, has it been?, I can't believe it. You gaze at me with those empty eyes offering me an empty hug. But, then, slipping your arms around me from behind as we walk down the street, surprising me with sincere kisses. We're at Canal and Bowery in Chinatown. Around 6 pm on a Friday: rush hour. Everybody's crowding around to get their produce while it's still fresh and sticky buns while they're still hot. We walk past them all, as if they're mere shadows in the dark, and I feel as though it's only us, me and you. For that moment. The man who always let me down is here with me, holding me. It’s my 22nd birthday, and everything is perfect.

another rant...

2008-11-25T14:36:00.000-08:00

people who invest everything they've got in one person are quite silly. we all make mistakes, i've done it before, but let me tell you we need to learn from these mistakes.. you just don't do it until you've reached that point in life when you've attained your own independence, had your own accomplishments, and you're ready to settle down for real.

and it's really hurtful when people that you thought were best friends don't give you the time of day because they're constantly with their partner. i know, i have to accept this, that couples often want to go out together, and i do accept it, (to a certain degree)... when i don't accept it is when it goes too far--

for example: i just came back from japan recently, and haven't seen one of my best friends in a long time, over a month, and she's with her b/f every day, in and out, yet she can't make time for me... not even one afternoon for a few hours? i mean, it just doesn't make sense-- and honestly, it is hurtful and makes me feel like i should be more selfish with my time and kindness towards people. i'm a very good friend to all of my friends. i go out of my way for people. i always try to be there for them. and it's upsetting when it's not reciprocal.

another example of why you shouldn't get overly involved/make you life into a single person : i have a friend who recently ended a 3 yr live-in relationship.. and this person is freaking out, doesn't even know what to do. i guess it was their choice to take that risk when investing so much time and energy into that relationship, but it's like for what? we are 22 years old. we should be doing things on our own. that is not to say, veer clear of all relationships or falling in love, but don't make your life 100% about another person, their life, their needs, their friends, etc. it is vital to maintain your own interests, your own personality, and your own independence even if you're seriously dating somebody. and i don't think it's a good idea to live with somebody until you're about ready to settle down, and you're pretty sure that this is somebody you could potentially spend the rest of your life with. having sleepovers is different -- as long as you don't become completely dependent/can't sleep without the other person. but it's healthy to have time apart. plus, if you don't have time apart then your time together will take a toll because everybody knows the more you're together, the more little fights there are.

so, by my logic, it's fine to be in love with somebody, but don't overdo it because a) you will possibly forfeit friendships b) you will possibly forfeit your independence and c) you won't appreciate the person as much if you are with them 24/7.

something i wrote in high school:

2008-11-19T14:35:00.000-08:00

"dark chocolate"

confined to the pale walls,
in a nauseating stench of airplane smells,
i sit in a ball of discomfort.

my mother leans toward me,
her eyes are overflowing with buckets of deceit.
i pause and look over at her,
i think. i am bewildered.
i knew she was lying to me, the whole time.
i knew all the smiles were forged.

this is the first time she lied.
she tries to protect me from the truth,
because i'm her "little baby",
but the truth is not everything is okay.

dizzy, dizzy, colors swoosh by,
leaving me behind in a state of narcosis.
my stomach starts to rumble and churn.
i look in front of me at the blue seat with the attached tray.
a rush of sickness comes up to my mouth, and i throw up.
i feel ashamed.
i feel tricked.
my mother is a liar.
and i am trapped on this plane. with her.

she thought i was too young and naive to understand.
she thought i did not know about death and pain.
i did. i understood the entire time.

i look away from her,
her tan skin, and deep set mahogany eyes, like her mother's and my own, bleeding fear.

ha! - i knew it all along.
i knew something just wasn't right.
i hated her at that moment, and i hated them all.

i crumple up, my little body, into a ball.
i hide away from it all.
from all those people, my friends, my family, really enemies.
they snicker and poke fun at me, as if i am a game, a wind up toy in pain.

a bag of peanuts gets thrown onto my tray,
it hits me that nothing will ever be the same.
i have tasted dark chocolate for the first time.
"dear, would you care for a drink?"

tokyo vs. paris

2008-11-18T15:52:00.000-08:00

i was in japan very recently. mostly touring around the country with my family. firstly, i'd like to say it's perhaps the most beautiful place i've seen. (besides paris, but paris is paris) i shouldn't compare an entire country (japan) to a city (paris). sadly, i didn't see much else in france, thus i can't compare france - japan, but japan really was unique. so unique. so clean. so immaculate. i can't imagine france like this, it's simply not, it's raw, unkempt, and japan is anything but. i'm sure the south of france must be gorgeous, and alsace, i'd love to see those mountains.

okay, i'll stop rambling, i would like to compare tokyo vs. paris below:

paris was an entirely different kind of beautiful than tokyo beautiful. paris was alluring, sensuous and curvy; like a mediterranean woman, bursting with color, light, and sass. tokyo was beautiful in a very unique way, it was high-tech (which paris is certainly not), yet it was ancient. it was bursting with colors, and lights, but in a very different way from paris. it glowed, an electronic radioactive glow. it moved like a samurai, effective and efficient, fierce, it sped.

paris glowed a morning after kind of glow, a sexy sparkle in everybody's eyes, something au natural. paris wandered, meandered through alley ways disguised as streets, with cobblestones lining the way, brasseries, bakeries, whiffs of freshly baked bread and cheese, wine stained the streets.

i could live in either city. (i did live in paris for too short a time last year, and would love to go back, i had the best time) tokyo would be more of a challenge, but in some ways i feel it could be more rewarding--if i learned japanese, made my way. still, paris has my heart. tokyo is #2. maybe i'll return to tokyo a second time and it'll steal me away from paris, but i doubt it...

why older men chase younger women...

2008-11-17T22:05:00.000-08:00

"It turns out that older men chasing younger women contributes to human longevity and the survival of the species, according to new findings by researchers at Stanford and the University of California-Santa Barbara.

Evolutionary theory says that individuals should die of old age when their reproductive lives are complete, generally by age 55 in humans, according to demographer Cedric Puleston, a doctoral candidate in biological sciences at Stanford. But the fatherhood of a small number of older men is enough to postpone the date with death because natural selection fights life-shortening mutations until the species is finished reproducing.

"Rod Stewart and David Letterman having babies in their 50s and 60s provide no benefit for their personal survival, but the pattern [of reproducing at a later age] has an effect on the population as a whole," Puleston said. "It's advantageous to the species if these people stick around. By increasing the survival of men you have a spillover effect on women because men pass their genes to children of both sexes."

"Why Men Matter: Mating Patterns Drive Evolution of Human Lifespan," was published Aug. 29 in the online journal Public Library of Science ONE. Shripad Tuljapurkar, the Morrison Professor of Population Studies at Stanford; Puleston; and Michael Gurven, an assistant professor of anthropology at UCSB, co-authored the study in an effort to understand why humans don't die when female reproduction ends.

Human ability to scale the so-called "wall of death"—surviving beyond the reproductive years—has been a center of scientific controversy for more than 50 years, Puleston said. "The central question is: Why should a species that stops reproducing by some age stick around afterward?" he said. "Evolutionary theory predicts that, over time, harmful mutations that decrease survival will arise in the population and will remain invisible to natural selection after reproduction ends." However, in hunter-gatherer societies, which likely represent early human demographic conditions and mating patterns, one-third of people live beyond 55 years, past the reproductive lifespan for women. Furthermore, life expectancy in today's industrialized countries is 75 to 85 years, with mortality increasing gradually, not abruptly, following female menopause.

Grandmother hypothesis

In 1966, William Hamilton, a British evolutionary biologist, worked out the mathematics describing the "wall of death." Since then, the most popular explanation for why humans don't die by age 55 has been termed the "grandmother hypothesis," which suggests that women enhance the survival of their children and grandchildren by living long enough to care for them and "increasing the success of their genes," Puleston said. However, Hamilton's work has been difficult to express as a mathematical and genetic argument explaining why people live into old age.

Unlike previous research on human reproduction, this study—for the first time—includes data on males, a tweak that allowed the researchers to begin answering the "wall of death" question by matching it to human mortality patterns. According to Puleston, earlier studies looked only at women, because scientists can reproduce good datasets for humans entirely based on information related to female fertility and survival rates.

"Men's fertility is contingent on women's fertility—you have to figure out how they match up. We care about reproduction because that is a currency by which force of selection is counted. If we have not accounted for the entire pattern of reproduction, we may be missing something that's important to evolution."

Men and longevity

In the paper, the researchers analyzed "a general two-sex model to show that selection favors survival for as long as men reproduce." The scientists presented a "range of data showing that males much older than 50 years have substantial realized fertility through matings with younger females, a pattern that was likely typical among early humans." As a result, Puleston said, older male fertility helps to select against damaging cell mutations in humans who have passed the age of female menopause, consequently eliminating the "wall of death."

"Our analysis shows that old-age male fertility allows evolution to breach Hamilton's wall of death and predicts a gradual rise in mortality after the age of female menopause without relying on 'grandmother' effects or economic optimality," the researchers say in the paper.

The scientists compiled longevity and fertility data from two hunter-gatherer groups, the Dobe !Kung of the Kalahari and the Ache of Paraguay, one of the most isolated populations in the world. They also looked at the forager-farmer Yanomamo of Brazil and Venezuela, and the Tsimane, an indigenous group in Bolivia. "They're living a lifestyle that our ancestors lived and their fertility patterns are probably most consistent with our ancestors," Puleston said about the four groups. The study also looked at several farming villages in Gambia and, for comparison, a group of modern Canadians.

In the less developed, traditional societies, males were as much as 5-to-15 years older than their female partners. In the United States and Europe, the age spread was about two years. "It's a universal pattern that in typical marriages men are older than women," Puleston said. "The age gaps vary by culture, but in every group we looked at men start [being reproductive] later. At the end of reproduction, male fertility rates taper off gradually, as opposed to the fairly sharp decline in female fertility by menopause."

Despite small differences based on marriage traditions, all women and most men in the six groups stopped having children by their 50s, the researchers found. But some men, particularly high-status males, continued to reproduce into their 70s. The paper noted that the age gap is most pronounced in societies that favor polygyny, where a man takes several wives, and in gerontocracies, where older men monopolize access to reproductive women. The authors also cite genetic and anthropological evidence that early humans were probably polygynous as well.

Older male fertility also exists in societies supporting serial monogamy, because men are more likely to remarry than women. "For these reasons, we argue that realized male fertility was substantial at ages well past female menopause for much of human history and the result is reflected in the mortality patterns of modern populations," the authors say. "We conclude that deleterious mutations acting after the age of female menopause are selected against … solely as a result of the matings between older males and younger females."

According to Puleston, the "grandmother hypothesis" may be true, but the real pattern of male fertility extends beyond this explanation. "The key question is: Does the population have a greater growth rate if men are reproducing at a later age? The answer is 'yes.' The age of last reproduction gets pushed into the 60s and 70s if you add men to the analysis. Hamilton's approach was right, but in a species where males and females have different reproductive patterns, you need a two-sex model. You can't correctly estimate the force of selection if you leave men out of the picture. As a man myself, it's gratifying to know that men do matter."

Grants from the U.S. National Institute on Aging supported this study."

untitled

2008-11-17T17:42:00.000-08:00

she had waited her whole life for him, but he was better left as a fantasy, a secret, yet innocent dream from her childhood. now his image has been tainted, he's not that perfect memory anymore, spoiled by adulthood. spoiled by what they both had become, selfish adults, lusting after bad things they cannot have, passing up good things they can. spoiled by heartbreaks and letdowns, they never had a fighting chance, unable to love so naively, but so purely, without censorship, as they had at age 12.

disproving the soulmate theory

2008-10-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

i've been dating more than i usually do lately. and so, i've been finding myself thinking about dating related things, ... such as the soulmate theory.

i used to believe that perhaps it was possible, even probable, that we all have one person whom we are meant to be with, a person & a destiny. as of late, however, i am in complete disbelief. and i will admit i am on the fickle side sometimes, but i really agree that there are "many fish in the sea".

i think that especially at the ripe age of 22, my current # of years on planet earth, (or any other age in which one has not fully settled/come into their own/figured out who they are and what's good for them) that the "many fish in the sea" saying applies.

that is not to say that some people i meet are better than others, sure. i definitely feel more chemistry with certain guys vs. others, but i think that overall, i change often and thus, my tastes change, and what type of guy suits my needs changes. i am still growing, and the person(s) i am dating right now could be right for me now, but totally wrong for me in 6 months from now. the same goes for people i dated in high school... i look back on my first relationship, at 15, and lasted 'til i was 17. i would never date this person now. even looking back to freshman year of college, the same applies.

and i also think that all in all, most people i have dated/most of my "boyfriends", etc, have not been "right" for me. but i have had about 3 relationships that felt right, that felt like love, and that generally worked. i had that "soulmate" feeling with all 3 of them. 1/3 relationships was definitely more serious/soulmate(ish) than the other 2, but nonetheless, all 3 were very significant and deep in their own ways.

i know that when i am ready, and when the time's right, i will have another soulmate... and i am not rushing it. maybe i'll have 2 more or 3 more or 4 more, even 5, 6, ... 15. until i find the person that i stick with. and the sticking with is much more about timing, and readiness, common wants, than the fantastical soulmate status, that's what i think anyway . perhaps i am jaded. but perhaps i am just realistic. i think the latter.

an amazing find!

2008-10-21T09:18:00.000-07:00

for those of you that know me well, you know that i'm obsessed with makeup/cosmetics/beauty products/good smelling things...

well, recently i ran out of my Molton Brown body wash. so i was on the prowl for a new soap. this time i opted for a bar of soap:

Bliss Spa's "Mammoth Minty Scrub Soap". at 18 bucks it definitely wasn't a steal... but so worth it! it's *HUGE* (at least 5 x the size of most bars of soap) and it feels absolutely amazing-- smells great--- so tingly and minty! it does a wonderful job at exfoliating as well.. feels so fresh.

check out more info here: http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P12854

i am in love. quite possibly the best soap i have ever used.

be a friend, guzzle that beer

2008-10-19T14:22:00.000-07:00

i went out with a friend to a bar last night. i ordered my usual gin & tonic. he ordered a beer.

he did not like his beer. he was not drinking his beer. so i decided to drink his beer, proclaiming: "JEWS DON'T WASTE!"

on a lark

2008-10-15T11:01:00.000-07:00

i met you on a lark
just to have some fun in the dark
but then there was a little spark
crept up on me, so smart was It, that little spark
allowing Itself to emerge silently as we slept
together, gently entangled,
wrapped up in one another
dripping with the aroma of passion, sultry sweat,
as if we had known each other forever
outside of the park
we meet
we fall apart

feeling like a failure

2008-10-15T09:40:00.001-07:00

the worst feeling ever is fighting with a friend, a family member, a significant other, or somebody else that you care about.

i feel judged, unfairly, yet i feel like somehow it's my fault. i always take things to heart. i'm in a bad situation: somebody i like is being incredibly audacious in their accusations regarding my behavior. they've got the wrong idea about me, and i don't know how to make it better.

i've failed in the most obvious ways, but i am oblivious.

TV on the Radio - "Dear Science"

2008-10-02T14:37:00.000-07:00

Another great Brooklyn band... Amazing new album, dropped about a week ago. Can't stop listening to it! Very fresh, jazzy, varied, and totally funky!

Similar in style to their prior albums, but I think I like this one the best.

Favorite songs off the album: "Crying"; "Red Dress"; "DLZ" and the bonus tracks rock! (Especially "Heroic Dose" ... it's in French!)

photography not permitted

2008-09-23T08:43:00.000-07:00

i walked down what appears to be an endless stack of ever-growing stairs, high up in the sky
but in fact, it does come to an end once you reach the children's carousel and the crumby crêpe stand at the bottom
situated upon a self sustained point, so slightly,
right on the border, between the left and right banks of Paris centre
this is where tour eiffel sits so serenely

i approached the immense object
as i pass underneath it, bumping into tourists, with their fancy cameras flashing
sometimes cameras smashing, as bad luck would have it
lines of people standing, waiting to go to the top, crumby crêpes in hand

i look at my watch
it's about time, about half past nine
he's supposed to be waiting for me at the other side, the left bank
somewhere in the greenery of champ de mars, he's there, black scarf, blue jacket and just right jeans
we've only met once before, in a dimly lit techno club, sparks

he's french and i'm american
he's stylish and i'm sassy
he's a scorpio and i'm an admirer

tour eiffel is now twinkling
it does this every hour, on the hour, for 10 minutes
i see someone walking over to me with a camera flashing
flashing flashing like the tour right above me

i don't understand why he, my date, is trying to photograph me
he is not a tourist and i am not a tour
we greet one another with a petite bonjour
i realize that his english is as bad as my french
we walk aimlessly for a bit, without saying much, trying to understand one another, before i decide to make my way home

just like the tour i was an object to be admired and photographed,
something to stare at, flash at, cherish for its beauty,
but never to be understood, without knowledge of its origin or histories
without a want to understand it
just flash flash photographs, learn the exterior, but never touch the interior

i found my way back,
past the children's carousel and the crumby crêpe stand,
up the ever-growing stairs,
down the rue on which i live, through the courtyard, and then,
up another 6 flights of stairs, back, into to my petite chambre, alone in bed,
without the flashing lights of the most unsuspecting tourist in all of Paris centre

hilarious snippet from Urban Dictionary

2008-09-19T08:58:00.001-07:00

Long Island Girl:

"Today, we salute you, trendy Long Island girl. In your retarded furry boots, you understand that following a crowd is a small price to pay for the approval of your peers. Sure, your huge overpriced designer handbag and oversized pearls may appear to have been stolen from your grandmother, but we rest assured that your daddy bought them for you fair and square. And yes, you may be snobby to every guy that approaches you, but we know that you're only doing them a favor because you are in fact a bitch with an annoying accent. So here's to you trendy Long Island girl, because everyone knows that behind your dyed blonde hair and falsely-tanned skin there sits a real person in the driver's seat of that Lexus SUV; and that real person... is a pale brunette. So do us all a favor and go back."

"possibly maybe" - bjork

2008-09-16T12:04:00.000-07:00

Your flirt finds me out
Teases the crack in me
Smittens me with hope

Possibly maybe possibly maybe
possibly maybe

As much as I definitely enjoy solitude
I wouldn't mind perhaps
Spending little time with you
Sometimes
Sometimes

Possibly maybe probably love
Possibly maybe probably love

Uncertainty excites me
babe
Who knows what's going to happen?
Lottery or car crash
Or you'll join a cult

Probably maybe possibly love
Probably maybe possibly love, possibly

Mon petit vulcan
You're eruptions and disasters
I keep calm admiring your lava
I keep calm

Possibly maybe probably love
Possibly maybe probably love

Electric shocks?
I love them!
With you --> dozen a day
But after a while I wonder
Where's that love you promised me?
Where is it?

Possibly maybe probably love, possibly
Possibly maybe probably love, possibly

How can you offer me love like that?
My heart's burned
How can you offer me love like that?
I'm exhausted
Leave me alone

Possibly maybe possibly maybe
Possibly maybe

Since we broke up
I'm using lipstick again
I suck my tongue
In remembrance of you...

daft punk - "something about us"

2008-09-14T18:05:00.000-07:00

It might not be the right time
I might not be the right one
But there's something about us I want to say
Cause there's something between us anyway

I might not be the right one
It might not be the right time
But there's something about us I've got to do
Some kind of secret I will share with you

I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life
I'll miss you more than anyone in my life
I love you more than anyone in my life

journalings past

2008-08-27T19:52:00.000-07:00

November 16, 2006

I can’t believe I would revert back to my past like this, but I can’t get him out of my mind. The last time I saw him was forever ago. My crush on him never really faded away after we parted ways. I would think of him often, but eventually, I rarely thought of him. Yet, we always kept in touch- on and off- off and on again. Sometimes we talked a lot. Other times, not so much.

I think about the past too much. I will always remember those days with a fondness that I am incapable of producing now that I am an adult.

I would love to see him again, see how we’ve grown, and see if we fit together.

You are everything I wanted
The scars of all I’ll ever know

best thing ever!

2008-08-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

I was browsing around this store in the city yesterday and I came across something called the "whore on the go" kit ... How genius! ... It's a little plastic bag filled with a thong, two condoms, a toothbrush, and some vagina wipes. How marvelous!

"bruises", does you inspire you - chairlift

2008-08-18T11:53:00.000-07:00

i tried to do handstands for you
i tried to do handstands for you

everytime i fell on you
yeah, everytime i fell
i tried to do handstands for you
but everytime i fell for you

i'm permanently black & blue
permanently blue for you

so black & blue for you

and this is why i've always kept journals...

2008-08-13T18:38:00.000-07:00

i recently moved back home, and i've been cleaning, organizing things in my room, boxing up old books to make room for things current, and i've come across so many old notebooks and journals--obviously i had to sit down and read all the entries--ah, the nostalgia, so sentimental, so bittersweet, remembering old memories painted by words, life just flutters by, ah, just like yesterday, just like a kid again, lost in the entries.

ghostbusters!

2008-08-11T17:39:00.000-07:00

my first crush ever was on bill murray; i even carried around a picture of him in my hello kitty wallet. i haven't carried a picture of any man in my wallet since, always and forever.

he's just so sexy, uniform and all, how could a 4 yr old girl resist?

how ironic

2008-08-07T16:50:00.000-07:00

i had to exchange something at MAC today, and i am almost done with my favorite lipstick, so i picked out a new one similar to my fave... it's not a stick, not a gloss, but a "pro longwear lipcolour" (whatever that means)-- anyways, the interesting part is that i flipped it over to look at the name of it and it's called "Commitment"... ah, the irony.

what kind of a name is that for a "lipcolour" anyway!?

MGMT: in the midst of the muddy Hipster mob

2008-07-28T08:13:00.000-07:00

MGMT, an indie/electronica band, saw them yesterday, in Williamsburg (Brooklyn), at this place called McCarren Park Pool- basically it's what used to be a massive public pool that's been emptied of all of its (presumably filthy) NYC water, converted into a huge outdoor venue of sorts, attracting every Hipster and their mother for miles apart, far and wide. and on top of that, the shows there are FREE... so anybody who knows anything about good deals in NYC is bound to make their way over to the Pool, but the overwhelming majority of the McCarren Park Pool population would definitely be considered Hipster (with a capital H) or Scenester (with a capital S, obvi), whatever you prefer to call them; they're all the same breed of annoying.

and MGMT is a Brooklyn band, so the crowd yesterday was especially huge- we waited for hours to get into the place, inhaled all sorts of illegal types of smoke, consequently relaxing us, as we mingled with the groupies and Hipster Yuppies.. the entire time it rained--a huge tent of umbrellas, as Lauren referred to it, engulfed us, as we waited, eagerly, for admittance.

we arrived at 1pm (waiting for the 2pm show) and didn't leave til 7:30 or so, an eternity spent inside an overflowing wasteland of Hipster piss, stink, and unimaginably filthy (shallow) pools of rainy Scenester water, in which half naked ladies danced around tripping on something or other.

my impression of McCarren yesterday: madness. without space to move or run from it. my impression of MGMT yesterday: madness (perfected). however, i was quite upset at their performance of "Kids"' (my favorite MGMT song)---they sang along to a recorded version of the song, such a copout. that is NOT "LIVE" music...

Paris, je t'aime

2008-07-25T06:08:00.000-07:00

"Our spring was wonderful, but summer is over now and we missed out on autumn. And now all of a sudden, it's cold, so cold that everything is freezing over. Our love fell asleep, and the snow took it by surprise. But if you fall asleep in the snow, you don't feel death coming."

karma

2008-07-19T15:59:00.000-07:00

i was trying to be funny, but played a mean joke on a friend in doing so, and woke up with a skin rash on my wrist.... karma?

i was never a big believer, but lately i've been thinking maybe there's something to it. treat others as you wish to be treated.

when u dont even have a base tan,

2008-07-13T16:49:00.001-07:00

never go to the beach with 4 latina ladies and assume u can stay in the sun as long as they can

the inevitable, gotta keep movin'

2008-06-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

trying to postpone the inevitable doesn't work

it's hard letting go, but it's harder holding on

breaking up on the inside

looking fine on the outside

----------------------------------------

we split into two

parallel universes

trying to find a point upon which to meet

unsuccessful always

neverending stories

things lately

2008-06-12T10:18:00.000-07:00

That Make (or made) Me HAPPY:

my job. (it's fun, and the people i work with are awesome)

innovations regarding alternative energy

the walk to work in the morning

iced coffee with a shot of espresso

making people smile/laugh

flirting in the elevator, feeling like Maria in Harold & Kumar

planning my travels (to japan in october)

the unknown

the amazing instructor/classes i found at nysc, (located right down the street :)

independence

wandering, getting lost, discovering something cool before getting unlost

my lsat teacher's voice

my roommate

smoking hookah

the view from my place

drinking my coffee in the morning while watching CNN before work

when i go over "goal" at work

the lower east side

the east village, around 2nd/1st ave... not so much st.marks, or right around nyu

the brooklyn bridge at night

duane reade!

my $15 yellow bag

Strand books (around the corner from my place :)

the adorable old Lebanese man who sold me shisha, who even took the time to write out instructions for me with
"have fun :) " as the last step

fresh mint/cucumber pedicures

nerdy (but in a cool way) boys

my family

the surprise Q&A session (with the directors/lead actor) after seeing the independent film, "Take Out"

more or less anything Indian

Chinatown

immersing myself in different cultures

improving my ringing up/gift wrapping skills

improving my knowledge of skincare/MB products

improving my knowledge of the LSAT

the idea of Obama + Hillary

genuine people

compassion

my friends

taking time out for myself

reading good book(s)

reading "time out new york"; "the new yorker"; "the economist"

going to shows

dancing/singing along to music on the subway on my way to work

independent/foreign films

free things

making one day's lunch into two day's lunch, or making lunch into linner (lunch+dinner)

dr. brown's diet black cherry soda

dogfish head 60 min ipa

chilled sauvignon blanc

masala tea

ito-en teas

cute dogs/cute cats

park slope and brooklyn heights

flushing, queens

wearing all black with very bright, colorful jewelry

sending actual mail rather than email

---------------------------------------

Things That Make (or made) Me AMBIVALENT/CONFUSED/UNHAPPY:

the environment

the economy

the "war" in Iraq

oil

our resistence to use alt. energy

natural disasters

poverty

hunger

drug addiction/junkies

the iPhone/ the blackberry ... i almost feel like i should get one, but i will refrain!

all the new technology

people who are tied to their cellphones 24/7

rude people who talk on their cellphones at inappropriate times

people who do not recycle/waste/still use excessive amounts of plastic bags/use unneeded amounts of electricity/power

people who are completely unaware and/or not give a shit about the ^ above ^

studying for the LSAT

my LSAT instructor, he is so hot that it becomes distracting... a good thing turned bad!

my LSAT class being 4 hrs long, late at night

working as much as i have been

being exhausted

taking the subway alone at night

prices of things [most] things in new york

men

pretentious people

McCain

getting blisters on my feet

days when i consume way too much caffeine

men that are disrespectful to women and/or filthy sex obsessed pigs

people who can't let loose without alcohol

idle

2008-05-29T09:44:00.000-07:00

there's so much i could say, but i can't.

brick walls, high
sturdy walls, thick
protecting the inside

only late at night, all alone, is when i am able to really think

otherwise idle

pea

2008-05-14T11:10:00.000-07:00

there is something incredibly liberating about peeing with the bathroom door open.

Cardinal Rules - The National "Cardinal Song"

2008-04-14T09:45:00.000-07:00

Never look her in the eyes
Never tell the truth
If she knows your paper
You know she'll have to burn you

Never tell the one you want that you do
Save it for the deathbed
When you know you kept her wanting you

Never say you miss her
Never say a word

Don't let her see your cardinal eyes
Don't let her see your cardinal eyes

Never tell the one you love that you do
Save it for the deathbed

the Sun and the Moon and the City.

2008-04-09T11:36:00.001-07:00

i had a dream last night, and everybody was speaking in french.

i've been drinking my coffee black lately.

it's a beautiful day outside, it's staring at me through the window, and i wanna go out and play!

...but me + my research paper/books have got a lot of quality time we need to catch up on, and this must be done today!

unlucky luck

2008-04-08T17:26:00.000-07:00

how come really good things happen at really bad times?

alley cats

2008-03-30T10:32:00.000-07:00

i didn't know ruffian cats roamed the streets of Larchmont.

poor whisky cat, just an old man taking his nightly stroll....................BAM! hiss grrr !!!! meowww @*#!!!

wacky weird wtf

2008-03-25T06:20:00.000-07:00

last night i had a dream about buying toothpaste... it was a buy one, get one for free deal. it took me a while to pick out the best one, but i finally found the multi-colored colgate... (does such a toothpaste even exist!??)

i knew i had a toothbrushing/dental hygiene obssesion, but now i know it's gone too far.

the night before last, obama was in my dream... talking about something that amounted to nothing because i don't really remember what he said... i musta been watching too much CNN right before sleep.

by myself

2008-03-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

i'm just trying to cross the finish line.

won't you kindly get out of my way?

don't need another distraction... got one, or two...and trust me, baby, that's more than enough.

i hate to write right now

2008-03-14T08:18:00.000-07:00

current essay i am writing sucks =(

distracted, amused... i've got this friend, his name is Blake. i've got this song, it's called "Blake's Got A New Face".

i probably find this way too amusing/funny.

not quite two years

2008-03-12T15:00:00.000-07:00

it's been a long time

two years since i last heard from you

i hope you're doing well

it's been a long time

almost four years since i last saw you

i hope you've got someone good

it's been a long time

feels like forever since i last touched you

i hope you're finally happy

it's been a long time

too long, and i want you to know that i still think of you

it's been two years since you ODed

it's been a long time

i hope you're at peace

under the shady, green trees

fast asleep

passionate practicality

2008-03-07T10:16:00.000-08:00

i am equally passionate and practical.

a few years ago i would have said i was more passionate than practical (perhaps rational is a better term for what i am trying to express). i go back and forth a lot, and in and out of cycles. sometimes i feel very creative and artistic, like a true artist/writer: passionate, emotional, maybe a bit crazy, maybe a bit idealistic. but then sometimes i feel almost emotionless, very rigid and apathetic, just doing what i need to do and not really caring about anything else: one track, without leaving any room for feelings.

my first love was art, drawing primarily. i used to draw cartoons for hours on end. then it was painting, and sculpture, and silk screening, etc. the art stopped when i became much more social, somewhere during junior yr. of high school.
my second love was writing: prose, poetry, short stories-fiction writing. i used to write for hours. i first discovered my "love" for writing in middle school, maybe i was younger. i don't quite recall. anyway, i always loved reading, writing, and words. i always did well with essay writing, and my favorite classes in middle school/high school usually fell into the category of history (or in middle school, they called it "social studies") but generally i was not a motivated student, i had a wu wei attitude towards school (still kinda do). i remember in high school i also enjoyed Bioethics immensely, this was a sorta sci. class, but more of a philosophy class when i think back.. i also took a course on the Beat Writers, which was awesome. and a class on world religions, which i enjoyed, but other than that, i hated school. i took psychology in high school as well, which i knew i was interested in, but i didn't like my teacher (unfortunately this really has an impact on whether or not i do my work for a class)

so after everything, after high school, i decided to major in psychology. i got into northeastern, unexpectedly, a school that was a "reach" for me, being that my high school grades weren't stellar (to say the very least). and so in fall of 04, i started college, at NU, in boston. i took psych 101. i hated it. my freshman year i also took world history, this was required course. and i loved it. i found myself doing so well in it, without having to make a real effort. so, by the time sophomore year came around i asked myself "why am i not a history major?" - i immediately switched. no questions asked. i started taking a lot of courses on East Asia. i've been fascinated by Asia, always been interested in learning about any culture that is radically different from my own, thus somehow i acquired a minor. i took a few semesters of Chinese. i learned about Japanese Lit. i took a course on contemporary Japan and Korea, which was rather boring at times, i must say. i studied Asian American history. i took a course on Chinese history (a feminist perspective). i took another one on Modern China, which led to further research on the Maoist Era/Cultural Revolution. i even went on a trip to China.. so although i am graduating with a BA in history, and only a minor in EAS, it's really been mostly EAS for me. i haven't taken a single course on American history, and i've only taken two on European history: one on Magic, Science, &, Religion in Early Modern Europe and another on the Age of Enlightenment. both of which were absolutely amazing. Age of Enlightenment course was more of a philosophy/politics class, when it came down to it. we read Kant, Diderot, Rousseau, Voltaire, etc... all the greats. (well from that period, anyway) Sooo... after this ranting, I will finally get to the point: I love history. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. and i love philosophy, and politics, and religion, and anthropology, and sociology,and economics [when i don't have to work with #s] (more or less all of the social sciences) but history, is my thing.

so my dilemma is this: i am all ready to apply to law school. but will i love law? i know a little bit about law, but one doesn't really know it until they've gone through law school and practiced it. so, i'm anxious. i want to do something that i love. i want to be passionate about my work, but i also want to be practical. i want to be independent financially, and be comfortable. (not rich, but comfortable) and i am not sure whether or not pursuing a phd in history and teaching would be a good route to take if my goal is a certain level of comfort. i don't even know if i would like teaching... (i know for sure tho, after my experience interning in a Psych facility last summer that Psych is not where i wanna be) at least i know that much!

so.... but.....will i be unhappy, stressed all the time, and overworked as an attorney? it's so hard to decide. this is hard to admit, but another thing about law that turns me on is the title... i know that's bad, but i would feel really good about myself being able to say "i am an attorney ".. there's power and respect that one gains just with the title in and of itself. and i know we're living in 2008, and gender equality (in this country anyway) is pretty much a non-issue, but still it would feel extra good being a female attorney. it's definitely harder for women than men as far as the legal world goes. (that's what i've heard from many lawyer friends/people i know, anyway) i feel like law would be so satisfying and i'd feel so accomplished, but would i be passionate about it? would i be happy? am i just fooling myself? am i doing what i think my parents want me to do? but most of all, am i trying to prove something to myself and to those around me (who knew the "slacker", "fuckup" me)? and would i actually be *helping* people??? (which is what i *want* to do)

i really need to think about this more... i think at this point, i am leaning towards law school. i figure, even if i don't end up practicing law, it's a degree that's certainly good to have, and i'll be able to get other jobs with it. perhaps i can take both the gre and the lsat, apply to grad (ma/phd) programs/law school, and then figure it out... idk ??? = /

puzzle pieces

2008-03-06T15:13:00.000-08:00

the thrill of the chase

you're addicted
i'm addicted

to new

wild wild horses
me and you

i'm inside looking out
you're out on the road
won't you stay put
just let me in for second
sit still

when will i find a home?

both of us
while we're still young
let's leave this town
follow our dreams
what dreams?

the open road
finally...................alone

but the truth is
you're a coward
you collect all these pretty faces
you keep 'em at a distance
got some girl in Paris
another in New York
that pretty, little thing in Dallas
but you're never gonna give her what you've given me

yeah, sure, we both like to booze
but you tell me the truth
the truth is i already know it
like nobody else does
and i think maybe you know it, too

all those flings
one night things
they're just a distraction
they just fill in the void
because you're always missing

and i'm always missing
puzzle pieces
connect the dots

the truth is, we'll never know it

bible of women

2008-03-04T17:35:00.000-08:00

i dig myself out of the hole
only to dig myself deeper

countless faces without names
slurred words
blurred vision
blind love soaked in alcoholic beverages

i smell the whisky on your lips
lies in your unassuming eyes

it's been over a year, you and me

if this isn't a relationship
what could it be?

i don't wanna be another pretty face
in your bible of women

i'm moving to new york
you're out of the country
we're both under the stars
but never together

Back in the US of A

2008-01-02T22:32:00.000-08:00

depressing.

happy new year.

Stress/XMAS

2007-12-14T05:39:00.000-08:00

I am stressing over finals yet I procrastinate studying and writing my 10 p. paper.. I am an idiot.

I am going to get home on the 23rd of Dec, and on the 25th I go to Mexico. It's going to be stressful, I am not even going to have time to chill at all. My entire family is coming over to my house on the 24th to see me, and I'm gonna be so jetlagged, and gonna have to pack... and unpack.... etc.

I won't even really have time to see friends in NY, just barely maybe. I wanna see a lot of other people too, including Boston friends, but I guess that won't happen til Jan.

I get back from Mexico on like the 2nd or something, maybe the 3rd and I have to move up to Boston on the 5th, and classes start on the 6th or 7th. Ewwww! I have barely any time to just chill, obviously Mexico, but I will be surrounded by family members the entire time.... Stressful sometimes.

PS: I know how lucky I am that I am going away for Xmas, have a great family, a "great life", etc, and I know how insignificant my problems/stress really are. Sometimes the people that seem the most confident, that seem fine from outside, those are sometimes the ones that are really dying. Money doesn't = happiness. I know that for a fact. It does make things easier, but it doesn't make you happy. And I am not saying that my life sucks, I am not trying to bitch, but I am saying I wish a few things were going to be different for Xmas break. I know how good I have it- I get a trip to Mexico, presents, food, comfort of family for Xmas. I am fully aware that some people don't get anything and this makes me sad. :(

Merry Xmas & Happy Holidays to everybody- no matter where you are, or what you're doing, I hope you are happy.

New Becomes Old. Old Becomes New.

2007-12-12T03:09:00.000-08:00

I have 10 days left. It's been 4 months. How? ... How did time go by so fast?

I've never felt so strange. I feel like this place is home now, and as soon as I feel this way, I have to leave....

This city is amazing. I have had some of the best times of my life here. I see beauty on every street corner. I feel love with every stride I take. I see so much history in peoples' faces. I hear music when it's silent.

I think what's really made this experience so wonderful though is the people I've met. I've met people from all over the world, connected with people in different languages, shared stories and jokes, hugged, kissed, loved.

My friends here are amazing. I love them all so much. They have become old friends, and my old friends have become new friends because I've been away for so long. I don't know anything about their lives, really, except for a few distant conversations here and there, a few IM sessions, and a few e-mails. I hope we pick up right where we left off, as good friends should, but nothing is clear. I am anxious about going home. I am afraid that I will miss it here so much. It's funny because I felt sort of like this when I was about to leave NY for Paris, but I felt ready then. I do not feel ready now.

Paris, she's my greatest lover, I don't wanna leave her now.

2007-12-12T03:00:00.000-08:00

Something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the way she woos me

I don't want to leave her now
You know I believe her now

Somewhere in her smile she knows
That I don't need no other lover
Something in her style that shows me

Don't want to leave her now
You know I believe her now

You're asking me will my love grow
I don't know, I don't know
You stick around now it may show
I don't know, I don't know

Something in the way she knows
And all I have to do is think of her
Something in the things she shows me

Don't want to leave her now
You know I believe her now

("Something", The Beatles)

The Beatles are stuck in my head. It's ok. I like it.

My 18th Century Soulmate & Encore Strikes

2007-12-11T02:14:00.000-08:00

Denis Diderot's writing is so moving that it makes me cry. It makes me wish he were alive so we could be friends. This makes me love what I study (history) so much because it amazes me and moves me to see someone else, just another person, just a man, in the 18th century thought of things that I think of. Wrote about things that I write about. Shared similar ideas to me, shared similar passions. Without the writing of Diderot would I even think the things I do? If he hadn't inspired other great minds like Marx or Darwin for instance...would we even be where we're at in the 21st century? I don't think so. Certainly as far as Atheism is concerned, we owe him a lot.

Thank you for being unafraid.

PS: There will be another metro strike this week!!!

Modern Art, Paper Writing, and Never-Ending Rain

2007-12-09T22:33:00.001-08:00

So, this past weekend was fun despite the huge amounts of rain, and the chilly weather. Friday, I went to painting- we painted a male and a female model. Friday night was a dinner party. It was cute. Saturday, went to modern art museums w/ Lauren. We also wound up at the food/etc. market in my neighboorhood. It's really nice. Every Saturday, mostly all day, people come from outside of Paris and set up shop under tent-like structures and sell amazingly fresh, wonderful foods. There's always tons of fresh produce, tons of cheeses, meats, fish, chocolate, and a million other things. For lunch on Saturday Lauren and I had Thai food-- I hadn't had it in 4 months (since I had been in Paris). It was so good. I have missed you, cuisine of Thailand, and I will try to never go 4 months again without You.

Art: the first place we went I had already seen, but I didn't mind going again, especially 'cause Lauren hadn't been yet. It's an exhibit at the Palais de Tokyo called "The Third Mind". Tres modern; somewhat risque. Lauren really enjoyed it, which made me happy. One of her favorite artists was featured there, which was really cool.

Then, we went to another museum sort of attached to Palais de Tokyo, and we saw this amazing exhibit, the work of Alfred Kubin. His art was amazing, and reminded both of us of Tim Burton. Very dark, mostly pen and ink, black.

Besides that, we cooked dinner again Saturday night with some other friends. Another little dinner gathering. Sunday, I did some work, and I went out to dinner with Michelle. I guess the highlight of Sunday was making fresh-squeezed orange juice with Nick in Madame Renaut's kitchen haha, yeah, that was definitely the hightlight.

J'ai beaucoup travaille! I must go!

Duuuuuublin!

2007-12-01T01:59:00.000-08:00

So, I arrived in Dublin yesterday. All I could think of while landing/looking out the airplane window is that, Ireland really is VERY green. I like the color green. It's not my favorite, but it's certainly in my top 5. My favorite color is black, well I dunno if that counts because black is a shade... so, my favorite color is red.

(1.red 2.purple 3.orange 4.green 5.turquoise)

I went through a weird period a few years ago where I wore a lot of orange, and bought a lot of orange things in general. Oddly orange.

Enough about colors! Back to Green Ireland, Dublin reminds me of Boston!!! It makes me miss it. The architecture is very similar (lots of brownstones, lots of brick, lots of cobblestones), and well, Boston is a very Irish city so I guess it makes perfect sense. Jolly, drunken Bostonians would fit in perfectly in the numerous pubs here in Dublin with the jolly, drunken Dubliners. Speaking of jolly drunks, yesterday, I tried my very first Guinness. It was interesting. I don't know if I'd call myself a fan, although I did appreciate its' frothy qualities. I ate some pub food yesterday: something called a Guinness Beef Pie... quite good actually. Yesterday= consumed beer, consumed food, chilled with NYU peeps, watched movie trailers (talking about seeing movies, but not actually doing so), slept a lot.

Today, though, today we will do lots!

espresso

2007-11-28T02:54:00.000-08:00

as a result of living here, i've learned to drink espresso. more than that, i've learned to love espresso. it's way of life. i love it best while standing up at the bar the most, sipping away from the teeny cute little shot-glass of a mug... it's a great alternative to starbucks. quick and speedy- in more ways than one! a starbucks just opened up near AUP- i don't like it. i think starbucks should be banned in france. yet, i already consumed one of their semi-tasty creme brulee coffee concoctions. i don't think we have creme brulee coffee at starbucks in the States.. nope, i'm pretty sure we don't. to tell the truth, it wasn't even that good.. too sweet! and didn't taste anything like creme brulee!

in other news, my parents were here for a week. with my sister too. it was great. i enjoyed showing them around paree- especially my sister. it was more or less her first time here. last time, she was too young to remember. we did alot. shopping, museums, monuments, churches, spent time with the french cousins, ate good expensive food, etc.. the best meal was definitely at this place called Bofinger (it' in Bastille). oldest brasserie in all of paris!! i also had the best steak of my life on the champs-elysee w/ my parents- i forgot the name of that place, but it's was soooooo freakinggg good! and also like 50 euro... so thanks mommy daddy. i would never have been able to afford that kind of meal without the parents. what else? my landlady cooked us dinner one night, and it was sooo nice. she loved my parents and they loved her. they invited her to stay with us in new york next time she visits.. i'd like it too. she's really great... i am going to miss her a lot. i am going to miss my apartment and building a lot in general- it's been the best living situation ever. i've made some great friends who live right upstairs, it's so nice. like a family.

so, i am going to dublin (avec lauren) on friday!! wooo i'm excited. i wanna go the guiness factory. that's really the only thing i MUST do in dublin.. besides that, i don't care. as long as i'm surrounded by jolly irish people. it'll be funny to speak english.. joey's in london. he texted me saying it was odd to be speaking english- i think i will definitely feel the same. it's gonna be odd to go home and speak english, but i guess i'll get used to it, just like i've gotten used to french.

only one month left :(

2007-11-25T06:30:00.001-08:00

i only have a month left in paris... i am so sad.

les choses que sont en France mieux qu'aux USA

2007-11-12T13:38:00.000-08:00

- Wrigley's FREEDENT "ReFresh" chewing gum. it's the best gum ever!
- Labello sweet melon lip balm is also the best lip balm ever. Burt's Bees is almost as good, but in a different way...
- French yogurt is SO MUCH BETTER THAN ANY yogurt in the US.

I wish I could bring all of the good things from France home with me.

bon weekend

2007-11-11T03:28:00.001-08:00

so, i ended up feeling a lot better by friday. i went to painting class, where we painted a nude female model. it was different... my prof told me i did really well, which made me happy :) for hw, i have to paint a self-portrait,hmmmm... i need a mirror!

friday night i cooked! haha. i actually did a good job- i made a turkish salad and steak for myself + nick. i even bought a baguette too, so french! and we had wine, too, of course. it was really nice, actually.

i mostly rested on saturday, and then went out to dinner with lauren and her parents in the latin quarter. it was a lot of fun! her parents are totally cool and so nice! getting a cab back was no fun though-- which we had to do b/c the damn RER stopped mid-trans.. :(

today, worky work por moi.

ps: i almost forgot the best part- at some point on saturday Madame Renaut had a whole conversation with me about not feeing the pigeons in paris and about how much she hates pigeon shit. nick heard the whole conversation while lounging in my room, and was dying laughing. i guess you'd have to know her...but trust me, it was HILARIOUS! "don't turn into one of those crazy old ladies that feeds the pigeons, Melissa!" (she refuses to call me Marissa even though she knows my name-that just adds to the absurdness)

je suis malade :(

2007-11-07T18:23:00.000-08:00

so, it's freaking 3:30 am here and i am up with almost 101 fever. i have class all day tomorrow and cannot afford to miss! i don't know how i'm going to do it- i feel like a piece of poop. my whole body hurts, even my toes and fingers hurt, my neck, everything. my eyes feel like they're burning. i think i have the flu. and i am extra upset because tomorrow night (or technically tonight) i am supposed to go out to dinner in Montmartre with Lauren and her parents... ugh, i really don't think i'm gonna make it. i just need to sleep and rest. a trip all the way to Montmarte won't do me any good. hopefully i can go out with them another night.

blah blah blah ouch

time to update!

2007-11-06T04:32:00.000-08:00

so, i would write more but i don't really have internet in my apartment and i'm really really busy enjoying paris.

who reads this anyway? probably nobody. i got back from spain, had a few days break from classes. twas relaxing. uneventful, really. most of my friends went away places, but i chilled in paris. it was a good few days to chill and do nothing. i went to pere lachaise (famous cimetere) i went with nick. it was beautiful just walking around- we did see jim morrison's grave, but it definitely wasn't the most impressive.

i went to musee d'lhomme - it was not nearly as cool as i thought it was going to be. pooo! :(

on saturday night i went out to a few bars. it was fun. 'cept drinks in bars are so damn expensive! i hate it. sunday night, saw SuperGrave/SuperBad avec Lauren et Jess et Joey. it was soooooo hilarious! i wanna see it again! then, last night, i went to the SHINS w/ Lauren :) they were realllyyyy good!! i really liked the song "sea lags" live. so trippy. the lighting was really cool too!

this week's game plan:
-do lots of hw & try to get ahead b/c i've been slacking off majorly since the end of midterms. and to free myself of work when the parents + emily come visit in a few weeks!
-pay november's rent
-buy more paint supplies in montparnasse & while in montparnasse go to the famous cemetary there.
-register for courses for the spring

that's about it for now.

spain :)

2007-10-25T04:33:00.000-07:00

tomorrow i'm going to the south of spain :) i can't wait!

other news: still loving paris, but one of the things that annoys me the most is how slow the service can be when dining out. one can easily spend 3 hrs on dinner... easily.. and i can't sit still for that long. i really can't. even dinner avec my landlady takes about an hr. and half usually, and sometimes i just wanna eat really quick and be done, but here, i can't really do that... only if i eat chinese.

mont st-michel

2007-10-18T04:01:00.000-07:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mont_Saint-Michel#Formation

i am going here on sat! and i am so excited :) c'est tres tres tres jolie!

ma maison avec francoise et les boys

2007-10-16T05:37:00.000-07:00

i didn't appreciate it as much when i first arrived b/c i was so caught up with adjusting to other aspects of my journey, but i am really happy with where i am living. . . i live with a 70 yr old woman, and people who come in and out of her home. so far, i've been living with her for the longest. when i first arrived, nobody else was there except for she and i. then, a swiss man moved in for 2 weeks, and shortly after him, a japanese man moved in also for 2 weeks. so, for a few weeks it was us 4: the swiss guy (i forgot his name), Yoshi (the japanese guy), myself + Francoise. we would have dinners together, and i even went out with Yoshi one night to a club - i brought him a long with some of my friends. and then, Yoshi's girlfriend came to stay with us for 1 week from SKorea(south korea). now, Yoshi's gone, and the swiss guy left too... but Ken (a 17 yr old boy from Japan; going to high school here in Paris) moved in about a week ago and took over Yoshi's room, next to mine (with the bathroom between our rooms). and a german woman was here for a few weeks, but i barely saw her because she did not eat dinner with us.. she was older, too. and now, Martin, a man from the Netherlands has moved in, too (in place of the German woman). Martin is awesome!!!!! last night at dinner, the 4 of us (me, martin, ken and madame[francoise]) had some wonderful conversations- it was the best dinner i've had here (a la maison de madame renaut) thus far. it's really nice meeting people from all over- they all have something unique to share, and i am learning a lot from the experience.

Spain!!!!!!!!

2007-10-12T06:00:00.000-07:00

i just received news that i am going to spain next week!!!!!! i am so excited!!! we're going to the south of spain- seville, cordoba, etc. touring mosques and synagoges. :)

this weekend, i am mostly staying home because a) i have midterms/papers due next week and b) i have a cold and want to get well.

on sunday, i have plans to go to palais de tokyo avec mon ami, slade. it should be fun :) palais de tokyo is a modern art museum near my apartment..

in other news, i took a splendid walk along the seine today. it was beautiful. i walked from st.germain de pres to school near invalides. it took about 1/2 hr to 45 mins, but was well worth it.. it was beautiful today- not too cold, not too hot, perfect.

northeastern vs. aup + other random things

2007-10-09T03:57:00.000-07:00

overall, i'd have to say that the quality of classes/education/facilities is considerably better at northeastern. aup, is however, a much smaller school.. thus, it probably doesn't have the funding that NU has, but i'm not so sure about that. i'd have to research it more to have a real argument.. maybe it's got to do with the parisian lifestyle vs. the boston lifestyle.. all i know is that my professors here are not as good as at northeastern, and that the classes are not as well-organized. i just don't feel like i am learning as much as i do when i am at home.. obviously, every university or college has got bad profs, (i know i've had plenty at NU), but i've never had so many mediocre/bad profs ever before. my french prof is really bad, but besides her, none of my other profs. are especially bad, just boring.. or don't seem like the smartest, most brilliant people ever... maybe i'm just taking bad classes. i don't know! it's just frustrating...

moreover, i do not like the fact that aup is so small. i absolutely hate that i run into people i know on a daily basis. for somebody like me, it's really bad.. i LOVE my personal space. i love being able to go a week at northeastern without having to bump into people if i so desire. i like taking days and days to just chill by myself, alone. some people don't seem to understand that here. i like to come and go as i please, in and out of social settings, not constantly bothered and bombarded by people. and have to deal with "hi, how are you?" - when in all honesty, i really don't care. just being frank............. i like that i have my little room to retreat to, but even at home, i don't feel alone enough sometimes... i feel obligated to hang out with my friends a lot more here than i do back home.. because we all want to do stuff in paris TOGETHER. i don't love the togetherness.. sometimes i'd much rather just take a stroll by myself, or go shopping by myself, or eat by myself, just be able to take in paris-

ok, enough with my anti-social rant, onto other things, i read Diderot (Rameau's Nephew) for my course on the Enlightement, and at first i was so sure i was going to hate the book, but i actually really loved it.. it was so profound! it raised some questions that have actually been on my mind a lot as of late, and i found the book really helpful in sorting out some of my own issues with life, society, and the future, etc. i thought it was one of the best things i've ever read!!! seriously!! i really related to it- to the characters "I" & "He"-, which was odd for me, because i find it hard to relate to literature sometimes. (also odd being that it was written in the 1700s),but i think that's so cool that people today, in 2007, can still take so much from the past- from something written centuries ago.. it's amazing! this is why i love history...

a real, french date?

2007-10-04T04:31:00.000-07:00

so, on saturday night, i met this french guy... i wasn't sure if i was feeling the french thing, but he texted me and wants a second date... hmmm... i'm not sure, but i think i'll give him a chance because it'll be cool to go out with a non-american. he's 26, and i think he was pretty hot altho i am not quite sure if i remember exactly how he looks because we met in a crowded night club, and i was rather intoxicated... hmmm... anyways, we'll see... i hope the date goes well!

last days of the BEST september & into an AMAZING october!!

2007-10-01T05:27:00.000-07:00

friends, family, whomever reads this:

i have had one of the best months of my life... september was spectacular! paris is so amazing- every day i spend, every day i fall deeper & deeper in love.

this past saturday night, i went with gabi, gabrille, and jen to a really fun club called "le cabaret/le cab"

http://www.cabaret.fr/ <- go here to find out more!

apparently, it's one of the most exclusive clubs in paris aka it's really hard to get into...it was fun! lots of cute boys. i've realized that i love to dance.... to good beats, not so much hip-hop... i really like dancing to house or trance, preferebly sans words/lyrics. just beats- *loud & intense* i find that with words, it's harder to really feel the music... it's hard to explain..

this friday night, i wanna go back to maxim's.. it was better than le cab in my opinion.. i LOVED the music & the ambiance! hopefully, i'll get to go!! :)

http://www.maxims-de-paris.com/ <- go here por maxims!

besides clubbing, and partying, i've been spending time with my extended family in paris. my cousin ali was in paris this week, and we spent the day with michelle (an extended family member) on saturday. michelle is my great-grandmother's brother's daughter... so she's pretty distantly related. it was a nice day, but it was a tad bit overwhelming because i cannot speak french very well, and michelle cannot speak english very well so ali was our translator... we walked around the latin quarter, and saint michel area (where all the students live b/c the sorbonne [one of the largest/most prestigious univ in paris] is located there) then, apres hanging out with ali and michelle, i met mon amie, gabi, in the marais and we went shopping a bit..

i LOVE the marais!!! i think it's my favorite area in paris.... it's hard to say, but i think if i had to say, i'd say the marais is the coolest, most trendy area in a lot of ways... it's a very eclectic mix of jewish things [like delis, pita stands, bagels, religious men walking around/an old synagouge]/gay things/trendy hipster things... like SOHOish type boutique-y shops... all tres tres chic! tres super! tres cool! there's some vintage shops (in which i purchased a 10 euro purse.. it's tres cute!) most of the stores are really expensive though besides the vintage ones... the marais is also very close to hotel de ville (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hôtel_de_Ville,_Paris) it's one of the most beautiful, imporant buildings in paris.. i love looking at it! it's close to notre dame + st. germain/st.michel... it's just in such a cool area.. very central. lots of great cheap places to eat, lots of young people, lots of bars, tons of shops...i want to live in the marais!

j'habite dans le seizeime... i live in the 16th arrondisment... it's boring. kinda central paris, but kinda not. it is one of the richest, most posh locations in paris. the arc de triomph is within walking distance (champs elysee) and the best view of la tour eifell in all of paris is literally down the block from ma maison... this is where i live, if you want to know more.. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trocadéro

in my area, there's nothing open late at night... in place de victor hugo, sometimes things are open, but not much.. there's not too many bars in my area either. i have to walk to the champs elysee to get to any bars/clubs... my area, is however quite central on le metro.. i can get anywhere in paris pretty easily... so it's not a problem.. and my area is quite safe, clean, and beautiful! and it's never noisy and crazy.. c'est la vie....

au revoir, je vais a class :(

Not Just Another Tuesday...

2007-09-25T03:33:00.000-07:00

It's been a somewhat productive Tuesday morning. I went to sleep relatively early last night, woke up, cleaned a bit... Bumped into Slade in the hallway on my way out of the building, so we took the metro/bus together to AUP. It's really nice having some friends in my building. I'd be sad if I didn't... Lauren and I are going to hit up the Marais later on today. I'm excited. I have yet to venture to the Marais. I hear it's great though- it's the Jewish/Gay/Trendy area... there's supposedly good, cheap shopping, which makes me happy/excited!

I need to do reading tonight, and tomorrow. I need to go buy some more art supplies tomorrow as well. I also need to learn French! I really don't like my French prof/class... she's very disorganized and I find it extremely hard to learn anything in class. She's unclear, and somewhat rude. She is one of the worst professors I've ever had because she doesn't know how to teach!!! A bunch of my fellow classmates have also been complaining...

If I can learn Chinese, I can learn French, but this Prof ain't Prof Zhou... Prof Zhou was very clear, very organized, very good. This lady needs to get a clue!

What else... Nick left for Dublin this morning...I'm jealous, but I'll be going soon enough anyways.. He'll be gone for 5 days- who do I steal internet from...??

ATTACK OF THE CHEESE

2007-09-20T03:20:00.000-07:00

everything in paris is covered in cheese. globs of cheese. sprinkles of cheese. layers of cheese. pieces of cheese. slices of cheese. blocks of cheese. it's too much cheese!!! i feel like cheese has taken over my culinary existence. everything my landlady cooks is AVEC CHEESE in some form or another... ah, FROMAGE, too much fromage. i can't take it anymore! i like cheese, but i think moderation is key. yesterday, i was walking down the street (a sort of pedestrian market street near my school), and i walked past this cheese shop, and i couldn't stand the smell. ewwww... really fresh, pungent cheese STINKS! it takes over the air and permanantely pollutes the senses.

besides the overwhelming, unnecessary amount of cheese in paris, things are tres bien. as far as cuisine goes, the french really do use a lot of cheese, and cream. everything is creamy. also, a lot of eggs (oeufs) and ham (jambon). my landlady cooks very traditional french cuisine... last night it was some sort of sausage(made of pig, i presume) and pomme frites (fries). she always makes a salad avec boiled oeufs, which we usually eat before the main course, but last night she served it afterwards. there's always mustard on everything-last night we had artichokes and dipped them in mustard. french mustard is strong! we dipped out meat in mustard. and the salad always has a sort of mustard-y dressing... mucho mustard! one thing i can count on every night for dinner is a fresh baguette. she always cuts up an entire baguette... it's like the essential foundation upon which her dinners are formulated. it's obligatory for madame renaut to always!always!always have her fresh pan! what else... she likes to make custard-y things, with egg and cheese and meat. there's always meat. that's another renaut essential. she made chicken breast (poulet) avec les champignons (mushrooms) and that was delicious. but overall, i am getting just a tad bit sick of eating so much meat and creamy stuff... oh well...

i miss sushi, and thai, and indian, and good new york food that's not so creamy and heavy. there is indeed sushi here in paris, but i try to stay away from anything expensive, which it is. the chinese food here doesn't taste like new york chinese. it's not as good...

enough about food, classes- well, classes are boring, but they seem good. fairly easy. french isn't easy though because i have a crazy professour who speaks really fast and only in french and doesn't really explain anything, or feel like she should explain anything.. my painting class is kinda crappy too because the prof is a nutjob! he's one of those mad about art mad about beauty and life people- the type that cries over paintings and poems in his spare time. you know the type... one of those ultra sensitive, ultra dramatic,lit types that wants to make the entire world love art as much as he does, and imposes his artistic views on everybody who will listen.. unfortunately, as his students, we are subject to his madness and incessant ramblings about the marvelous colors and about artists that "move" him and.. subject to questions about what "moves" us... haha. yeah right... i think i will say that i move myself, and i draw no great inspiration from anybody besides myself-egocentric. i think i'll say that JOHNNY DEPP moves me...yeah... that's all i'm gonna say... i really don't ever think about things like that, nor do i think they are imporant, or in any way worth me wasting my time thinking about. such impracticality annoys me.

it's getting colder in paris... it's unfortunate. this weekend, i want to do cultural things, like go to museums. and that sort of thing. not spend my weekend sleeping as a result of excessive partying... i want to do so much before my time's up! 3.5 mois seems too short!

in other news, travel news, i am definitely going to Dublin avec mon amie, Lauren. she has some friends in Dublin, so we will stay with them. i'm also going to go to Amsterdam... not sure when, or with who, but there's options and i will go. in additionm, i am most likely going on an AUP trip to the south of spain.. it's a weekend trip touring various Muslim and Jewish sites... mosques, temples. Medeival towns, etc. i'm excited!!! i love all that nerdy, historical stuff <3 especially involving Islam and Judaism and SPAIN! i love Spanish people. i wish i could transport the Spaniards here to France, and exile the French to the Atlantic...

random ramblings

2007-09-12T04:35:00.001-07:00

i finally found the bank i was looking for yesterday. i got lost looking for it a few days ago + gave up. finally, yesterday, found it. i was proud. and i didn't get lost. but when i was all ready to take out a large sum of money, they asked for my passport. and guess what, i was sans passport. i'll have to go back.... i am thinking tomorrow.

i think in order to enhance my cultural experience that i should start smoking. in fact, i should become a chain-smoker. then, i'll really blend in...

what else? i've seen a few really cute french bulldogs here. that's made me happy. i want my french bulldog to come from france... yeah... when i get my french bulldog, that is. if i ever get my french bulldog... meh... i want one now! anybody have 1000 bucks and lots of time to lend me? yeah, didn't think so.

i think i'll take some non-touristy photographies today. that's all for now. going to school...

hmmm.... what else can i say? i feel like i should write more. it's hard to describe in adequate words the life i have been living for the past 2 weeks or so. no words, no imagery, no details can truly describe... all for now.